Eighty-Five

Once,
Friends seemed far away and those who were near seemed unfeeling and uncaring. The job to which I was committed seemed to set off my weaknesses in sharp relief. The values which so recently had seemed dazzling now appeared, upon closer inspection, tarnished and meaningless. The world in which I lived lay deep in its own mire of deceit. My eyes swept life as I knew it, in bottomless disappointment. And so I rejected it. I decided to turn my back on this futile world and try to find life's meaning elsewhere. I stepped outside the world's fence and vowed to be blind to it for as long as I would live.

I went looking for God.

I wandered and I searched. I prayed and meditated. Unencumbered with the pulls and pains of my old world, I felt light and free; I searched for my God. I grew apprehensive, and doubt seeped in, for I could not find him.

Then,
I glanced over the fence I had so firmly rejected. I saw again the futile, faithless world. And there, deep in the midst of the pain stood God, talking, listening, and holding a dying child in his arms. He looked at me. I saw that to find him, to get close to him, I would have to re-enter the world I'd found so worthless. I'd have to make my way through all that I'd rejected if I were to meet God. I felt deep anguish as I stood by the fence. His eyes were upon me, and he saw my heavy heart, and his eyes never left me.

One

"Behold, I stand at the door and, and knock; if any man hear my voice, and open
the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."

"Behold I stand at the door and knock."
"What door?"

"Behold I stand at the door and knock."
"What will it cost to let you in?"

"Behold I stand at the door and knock."
"Let me tidy up a bit. I'd be embarrassed to have you see things as they are, just now."

"Behold I stand at the door and knock."
"I'll be so proud to have you come in."

"Behold I stand at the door and knock."
"It will truly be an honor, a moving experience, to have you in my humble home."

"Behold I stand at the door and knock."...
"I want so much for you to come in."

"Behold I stand at the door and knock."...
"Please, oh please, let yourself in."

"Behold I stand at the door and knock
Behold I stand
Behold..."

seventeen

Is there a hell?

Once upon a time a person was touched by God, and God gave him a priceless gift. This gift was the capacity for love. He was grateful and humble, and he knew what an extraordinary thing had happened to him. He carried it like a jewel and he walked tall and with purpose.

From time to time he would show this gift to others, and they would smile and stroke his jewel. But it seemed that they'd also dirty it up a little. Now, this was no way to treat such a precious thing, so the person built a box to protect his jewel. And he decided to show it only to those who would treat it with respect and meet it with reverent love of their own.

Even that didn't work, for some tried to break into the box. So he built a bigger, stronger box - one that no one could get into - and the man felt good. At last he was protecting the jewel as it should be. Upon occasion, when he decided that someone had earned the right to see it, he'd show it proudly. But they sometimes refused, or kind of smudged it, or just glanced at it disinterestedly.

Much time went by, and then only once in awhile would one pass by the man, the aging man; he would pat his box and say, "I have the loveliest of jewels in here." Once or twice he opened the box and offered it saying, "Look and see. I want you to." And the passerby would look, and and look. And then he would back away from the old man, shaking his head.

The man died, and he went to God, and he said, "You gave me a precious gift many years ago, and I've kept it safe, and it is as lovely as the day you gave it to me." And he opened the box and held it out to God. He glanced in it, and it was a lizard - an ugly, laughing lizard.
And God walked away from him.

Yes, there is a hell.

Four

One morning I awoke with a desire I wanted to fulfill. It concerned a way I wanted to be.

This was a matter to lay before God. This was a matter for prayer. The desire was for a power and goodness, and I wanted the prayer to be right. I would preface my request with an acknowledgement of my unworthiness. This wasn't false; I knew it, and God would accept it.

All day phrases and words came to me. My special prayer took shape. I would set aside a time. I would approach him in truth.

In the evening I closed myself away from others. I read from his word. I reviewed the phrases and words of my very special prayer.

Before I got really settled down, I was flooded with the answer, and I was the way I wanted to be.

But I felt cheated...I had wanted that moment of communication with God. Then I thought I heard something.

"I heard you this morning."

I think I have a lot to learn about prayer.

Sixty

If someone were to steal my Bible,
If I were to be barred from church,
If those I share my God with were to leave me,
If the hymns were to be denied me,
If the God-inspired, man-wrought creeds were to vanish,

If all these deeply meaningful, but outside forces were to go,

Could God still get through to me?
Would I still see and feel my God?

My God, My God
Have mercy on me.

Forty-three

Bits and Pieces
Bits and Pieces

People. People important to you, people unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love and carelessness and move on. There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of relief and wonder why you ever came into contact with them. There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why they had to go away and leave such a gaping hole. Children leave parents; friends leave friends. Acquaintances move on. People change homes. People grow apart. Enemies hate and move on. Friends love and move on. You think on the many who have moved into your hazy memory. You look on those present and wonder.

I believe in God's master plan in lives. He moves people in and out of each other's lives, and each leaves his mark on the other. You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who ever touched your life, and you are more because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched you.

Pray God that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question, and never regret.

Bits and Pieces
Bits and Pieces

Note: this is the very first passage I heard from this book. It was in the first few days of my freshman year in college.

Twenty

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy
sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer."

If it were just a matter of the mouth,
I wouldn't have so much trouble,

but it isn't,

and I do.